Ten Things You Could be Doing on Your Chromebook Instead of Actual Schoolwork: a Satire by Kevin Travers

All of us at Madison High have seen a sudden and rapid increase in both learning and productivity since the recent introduction and execution of the Chromebook initiative. From the lowly freshmen to the highest ranked senior, anyone involved with this great centre of learning can attest to the far-reaching and monumental effects of every single student receiving a Chromebook. Class averages have gone up tenfold, bullying is at an all time low, teacher observation scores are all fours, and there are even rumors that our school’s state ranking has gone up by over a thousand points, placing us just below Summit (who distributed chromebooks in a similar fashion just three months prior landing them in the number one slot).

This is all incredible news. Technology has been proven to benefit our learning and test taking processes; it wasn’t a complete waste of time, money, and resources after all! But in the event of placing too high in the PARCC testing system, where high scores result in a cut in state funding, the administration has realized they need to curb the rapid success of the Chromebook Initiative before the money runs out. After all, what if we, the student body, need hoverboard-segways next year to increase our learning? Who would pay for that?

As a current senior, I understand the weakness of having too much success, and offer these alternatives to normal school work to limit the success of both the individual student and lower the near 99th percentile averages. Although learning has been made not just fun, but as addictive as minor stimulants such as nicotine, these other less productive options have already been noticed throughout the school by brave students deciding to fight the new curb of academic excellence that could only lead to the school’s dramatic drop in funding. As a second semester senior, I do not support the casual and reckless waste of time in the utilization of these sources, but I offer these ideas to the public as a way to limit the speed at which the student body will burn through the material that is offered in the core classes. (Incidentally, I have heard that the 10th grade history classes have finished studying all available history and are now learning about the future.)  Teachers are running out of material to teach, test scores are skyrocketing, the hallways are spotless and repainted by bored students filled with new ambition. This is truly a case of a Utopia gone wrong; everything is just too good. So try out some of these healthy distractions.

 

1. Playing your favorite gameboy games!

https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/gpemu/jhficiigpnhhaojldmanflihieepanbb?hl=en-US

We as Millennials, or Gen Y’s, or X’s, or whatever century or decade you identify with, all remember playing Gameboy and early tv console games such as Mario Kart Super Circuit, Legend of Zelda, and Pokemans of all varieties and editions. While it may seem like a fun use of time when finished taking all of the AP tests the college board offers and completing all years of Calculus in record time due to the technological advancements gifted to us by this great school, some players take these games very seriously.

1. Browsing Facebook

https://www.facebook.com/

Surprisingly, the infectious and very anti-learning website of facebook is unblocked by the incredibly sophisticated technology.  What better use of state-funded equal opportunity public education then stalking a, ex girlfriend’s summer bikini photos from three years ago?

 

1. Instagram

https://www.instagram.com/?hl=en

Incredibly, the blocking services have also looked over the immensely popular photo sharing site Instagram. While many Google images of historical or scientific importance are blocked for unknown reasons, making it very hard to complete a powerpoint on Susan B. Anthony, the Instagram website, notorious for its hashtags and emoticons, remains free on this network.

Strange, isn’t it?

 

1. Netflix is out, but Youtube isn’t

https://www.youtube.com/

Netflix, tragically, was removed from the reach of the blessed Chromebooks early last week, causing many a student to shed a tear who were looking forward to curling up with their favorite educational device over the break and watching the entirety of “The Office”. Thankfully, the famous and most popular user created content site on the web has been left untouched. If you are ever in need of wasting time by watching videos of cats possibly even videos of cats posted by a man pretending to in fact be a cat himself, look no further than youtube. In the most dire of cases, I have looked to the left in Biology class to see a desperate senior Girl who will go unnamed watching bootlegged spanish “The Office” just to get her fix of that lovely awkward comedy.

 

1. Shopping!

https://www.google.com/shopping?hl=en

Bored out of your mind at the long lecture of a droll history teacher? Why not browse the new Century 21 sale! The American hunger for goods and services has dominated the world stage for nearly three centuries, and this appetite reaches even the bored Italian student. Anything and everything is for sale in this fine world of ours, and with such diverse and innumerable shopping options the blocking services simply can’t keep up. In this day and age, especially with the tech provided generously to us from the board of Education for the low price of a quarter of a million dollars of tax revenue, any day can be Black Friday!

 

1. Listening to music Soundcloud, Spotify

https://play.spotify.com/discover

Ready to drown out your boring class? Nothing solves this problem better than listening to “The Weeknd” at full volume. The pristine and high tech speakers of the Chromebooks allow for only the most obnoxious blasting of the loudest music marketed towards inner city youths ever heard in the “quiet learning” corner of the library.

 

1. Chrome store or online games, (“snake”, anyone?)

Ever since the introduction of the in school computer, children of all ages have been playing online games instead of working on their Typing Instructor Jr. activities to increase their strength in the “o, p, and {“ section of their keyboard. Online games such as the famous “Snake” have long been the haven for bored students, and these new Chromebooks may block some popular gaming sites such as Addictinggames.com, like the Hydra vanquished only by the famous Hercules in the ancient Roman mythos: Cut one website off, and two more will grow back.

 

1. Online MMOs

Many hipster users of the Chromebooks have harkened back to their elementary school days of playing online multiplayer games driven by the heavy force of advertising and stuffed animal sales. Now famous online games such a Webkinz or Club Penguin offer an entire world for players of all ages (but in majority very young or creepily old). Why just sit and stare at a wall in Honors French five when you could be exploring entire worlds?

 

1. Hang out with your friends, with Google hangout

Sitting in your 7th period class, pushed to nervous excitement by the caffeine rich latte you just consumed? Itching to talk to someone, gab with your friends about the latest from the senior prom dress FaceBook group? But alas, all of your friends take 2nd period Bio! No worries, you can connect and talk to all of your pals and “Hang out” with Google Hangout, a video chatting service built into the Chromebooks. What educational purpose does this built-in feature serve? Who cares! Doesn’t matter! $250.00 well spent!

 

1. Doodle with your favorite of the many doodling apps

Finally, with all other excellent options of distractions used up and exhausted, why not curl up in Pre Calc with a whole wheat bagel from the cafeteria and doodle your worries away! The world wide web offers a wide variety of sketching and doodling services, and with the ultra-futuristic touchscreens of the new chromebooks, creating silly caricatures of your teachers has never been easier!